The lovely Moose of Crack Clan, clearly invigorated by my writings, came forth today with the first news offering from Resupply.eu in quite some time – an article detailing the top teams from the “elite” division of European

Stars of European TF2, the fame encompassing their eyes and swallowing whole their sight...

Team Fortress 2. More on those quotation marks in a minute! Essentially, I am going to cover in more detail what I already covered in that very first post I made: the disturbing, steadfast behaviors that exist amongst the upper echelon of teams in Europe. To adequately do this, let us take a trip back to some odd number of days, weeks, and months ago when Season Five was being played.

• Level Up folded without playing a game thanks to the “unjust,” “uncalled-for,” and much-appreciated banning of one BOOMting. As proven in every competitive division and every season, the glue that holds any team together is its demoman. Lose him, and you lose everything.
• Born2Die folded after the passing of week 7, thanks to Torden’s inactivity, and the general lack-of-giving-a-fuck that injected itself into the rest of the second daintiest clan in Europe.
• it’s a farm/clan00 folded mid-season. Ever since Dunc rode away on his horse, victorious in having stolen the hearts of aves and RubberJohnny, people had expected this. Leave it to perry to make this event the one time in his life he actually lived up to someone’s standards.
• Imperial and coolclan both played out the season through various roster troubles, only to collapse in the offseason under the weight of losing players of such amazing quality as: ….

None of this counting the original Team CoolerMaster, who dropped before the fifth season had even begun.

What did Season Four bring us?

• Delirium folding after losing fourteen straight maps, and at the same time, cementing the stigma now attached to all Finnish clans and players – when the going gets tough, listen to Borknagar and ragequit your precious video game.
• redLine folding, not like I can remember why or how or when or any relevant information at all because AnAkIn was on this fucking team and for that they can eat a bowl of dicks.
• Team Druidz dropped after an impressive push through division 2 landed them their promotion spot in the first place. The subject of a million debates over whether or not they should be allowed back into division 1 after a fold. I will forever have fond memories of these debates, during which skinnie first began to make shockwaves, revealing himself as a tremendous tool who deserves to be tied down and forcibly ejaculated upon by some of the Ukrainian players who do not yet understand hygiene.

In general, people are crushed under the pressure when they come into the top division and are anything less than The Best. A silly attitude to possess, one which I have indirectly touched on before. The moment a team finds itself being clamped down upon by the gaping vagina of “the spotlight,” the pressure becomes unbearable and their feeble legs slowly bend until you hear the snaps. To make love to the giantess who sits atop the Team Fortress castle is no easy task! Yet where the fuck is all of this “pressure” coming from? Do you idiots realize how often you fuck yourselves when you play this game? I remember looking through the Steam Community calendar for coolclan, and seeing a bare minimum of two PCWs a day, every day, for a month. Even on days where there was an official match, have to slot in that two hours of warm-up! Are you kidding me?! Repetition and routine is amazing for learning things that autistic people are good at – memorization, patterns, fitting a red square block into a red square hole instead of desperately throwing a red circle at it until you cry. All that it is good for in terms of this game is running yourself ragged to the point where you want to kill yourselves and others.

Saying this with full sincerity: The greatest man TF2 has ever known quit this game (TWICE) because the timesink that is “improvement” is so dreadfully unenjoyable. When you set yourself a goal of “Division 2 in a season!” all you are doing is crippling yourself and taking away what little fun the game can provide. When you need to play clan wars for two hours a night, follow that up with an hour of officials, and sit there for twenty minutes after that discussing what went wrong and what went right, do you feel somehow HAPPY about it? Or do you feel sad that you burned an evening of your youth (and in most cases, two hundred evenings) getting upset that someone beat you on to the middle point and then outfragged you?

Calm the fuck down, people. The game exists tomorrow! You can still learn some things in two weeks. Playing Dignitas every Thursday promptly at 19:15 GMT, recording an STV demo, and then having a group therapy session to lick each others’s wounds is not the key to making it. Have fun. Please, for the love of God: HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN IN THIS GAME. When a NORMAL person has some sort of hobby, or a recreational sports activity, they love and enjoy those things. Do they designate two hours of every evening that will go into practice? Do they schedule everything a week in advance? Or do they just go out, find some shit they like to play with, and then do it?

Excuse the tangent, but if there is any one Main Point that my blogs will be stressing, it is about how little fun people seem to have playing this game. What I wrote this for, what we get to now, is a discussion of the upcoming season as seen through the eyes of Division 1.

First, the Relevant Teams:

Dignitas

• I refuse to write a single positive thing about them; Agron’s ego has been stroked enough and if his e-cock gets any larger, his heart will literally cease to pump.
• Replaced Appz (universally hailed as a moron) with Rebeli from Afterlife, a player they had apparently been eying for quite some time. Produced amazing results, such as playing the worst map of all-time by a division 1 scout versus Vale in the EMS Finals, wherein he spent all map using the Force-a-Nature and got probably five kills. By the end of the map, I felt like I had watched a player sitting above a toilet desperately trying to squeeze out one good turd. For Dig’s sake, I hope that the constipation disappears before week one.

Crack Clan

• Suffered big losses while getting some potentially off-setting gains. New scout pair have spent a long time together in coolclan, and are regarded by morons as the best scout pair in Europe. Despite their long-standing partnership and incredible individual skill, the fact that wltrs oftentimes finds himself playing sans cerveau tends to cripple their effectiveness. Still, their oddities and failures tend to complement each other well enough, or else they’d have never made it to such amazing heights.
  

  wltrs & vaxjo at The Community LAN

• Bash might very well do better than Hymzi, as he plays a more all-around, intelligent style of game which focuses on actually being a demoman instead of an automatic piping machine. He’s still Finnish, however, so expect the alcoholism to kick in around midseason, forcing Moose to drag him out of a dark, damp basement somewhere in Helsinki or Lappeenranta or Siiviilaateen.

Vale

• Finally lost highly skilled scout Arnold to the bright lights of “emoing out for the seventeenth time and actually going through on his threats to quit but at least he made an overly-complex mediocre map before he did it.” Will they be able to fight on without hearing his tearful sobs over Mumble of “I don’t want to play this game anymore, mommy”???
• Picked up Zerox, who is getting an insane amount of praise from the community as a top scout. He has amazing aim, he can snipe very well. But go watch any of the matches he played with original-TCM on badlands; skip to the parts where he decides to go spy. Then try to tell me that any player who is as fucking dumb as he is can make an impact on a team.

Team CoolerMaster

• Predz is one of the best scouts in Europe in terms of aiming, but has the hugest forehead I have ever seen and I am not even trying to be mean or abrasive here. Is it causation or correlation? Was your forehead always huge, Murrough? Please write me a comment or e-mail me at tf2street at hotmail.com and let me know. Thanks.
• The real fate of the team lies with Duncan’s parents: will they put up with another nine weeks of him screaming racial epithets over Mumble, or will they finally take a stand for themselves and kick him out so that he can scream the N-word at the top of his lungs in a library instead?
• Stop playing Heroes of Newerth Dunc, you fucking faggot.

Next, the Teams Who May Matter:

I Don’t Know?

• Losing their scout pair to the trials and tribulations of puberty (Shintaz) and the innate desire to be shit upon and bitten by bats whilst trying desperately to ejaculate inside of a kangaroo (Oggy) will hurt. AioR appears to be returning to the starting lineup (correct me if I am wrong) and should provide an adequate replacement, but with the addition of NA’s PYYYOUR, it could take some time for them to really find their position.
• Speaking of one Bradley Ross, he has so far struggled to adapt to European play. Perhaps it is the ping, or maybe it is the secretive TecHLAN 2009 II causing him to show up to every PCW hungover and with someone else’s come in his hair (I know not what American parties are like, but I can assume it is as such).

Afterlife

• The Xzar situation seems to have been handled rather poorly from my view, though I am admittedly not as clued-in as I should be. He was their demoman for the season that got them into The Big Time, got them that Fame which everyone craves so much, and as soon as a more feminine Fin finds himself once again team-searching (what is it with people in this game being unable to stay retired?), Xzar finds himself alone on the corner and forced to be a backup. Seeing Xzar, one of the few people in this community worthy of respect, being treated as such is really a shame. If I am entirely off-base and incorrect here, comment or contact me and I will immediately correct it.

• Hymzi, as I mentioned in the section on Crack Clan, is a meathead who can sticky jump wherever he so wishes and hit pipes with mechanical precision. I don’t know if I want to call him dumb, but “lacking” is certainly a good descriptor for his game sense.

Finally, the Folders/Fodder:

FakkelBrigade

• Lost Byte, who was supposed to bring them to new tactical levels and give them a fighting chance versus the elites. Want to lose their medic, who is lacking in not just skill but proficiency of the English language. A very tough season lies ahead for a team who will need to replace the two most important classes on their roster.
• Would have a much easier time of it if not for Fragga retiring to (DIRECT QUOTE) “jerk off into [his] own mouth while playing Quake Live and Modern Warfare 2 in an attempt to Be Somebody in games that actually require skill. I’ll return to TF2 in 6 months and see that it’s 6 scouts vs. 6 scouts.” Good luck, Joseph Price. I’ll make sure to reply to every post you make on ETF2L for the next month with “lol retired??”

rockit

• Congratulations go out to rockit, the team determined to play the best of the best, determined to have their chance to reach the top of division 1. Today, they lost one map and nearly the second versus the team who defines what it means to be division 2. Team Fruit, playing with their flamboyant yet inactive medic who is working towards his degree in THEATRE, pulled off an upset on badlands and lost only in the closing seconds of fastlane… Enjoy Dignitas, guys.
• ViQun is a highly-skilled player who could surely make an impact.. if not for the fact that even with him, rockit are little more than a division 2 team, and their results will likely prove it.

LOL Team

• Nice guys who are in over their heads. Good luck, have fun, beat rockit.
• Russians……..

eSrael

• Nice guys who are in over their heads. Good luck, have fun, beat rockit.
• Israelis………..

If I ever try to write anything this long again, remind me to shoot myself in the fucking mouth.
Cheers,
Mr. X